Without further ado, I happily present to those girls we pissed off yesterday...In contrastto the "Waterloo's Guide to Girls", Stef and myself, Alex, have decided to write "Waterloo's Guide to Guys". Please do not take offense, especially if you read this and think, "Well a lot of that is me but I'm not REALLY like that".. or if you realize, "Shit, they hit me bang on.." We know not everyone falls into a mold, though most of us, Stef and myself included, can compare to some of the characteristics (not all) of some of the girls that Jay has decided to describe
(and Graham agreed with), thus most likely some guys will fit ours as well.
I can think of many more types of guys to add to this list, but these are the main ones;
The Bro. (also commonly known as "Frat Boy")
Description: If their backwards trucker hats, and birkenstocks don't give them away, then it's their "graphic logo" Abercrombie, American Eagle and Hollister tees. They sometimes wear necklaces, either with a shark's tooth on it, or some sort of 'dog' tag, usually purchased at the same store as their logo tees. By day you can find them staggering, late, to class. Usually with stubbled facial hair, and tired eyes from their night of beer pong, flip cup and funnelling with other 'bros' the night prior. They have been known to wear sweatpants with socks and sandals.. or.. even crocs (that's right, those hideous coloured plastic shoes made to be worn by 6 year olds). Just by the fact that they buy their jeans already ripped and their hat brims already tattered attracts other bros to them. Their hair is usually short to a bit of a shag. Colours vary, but it doesn't really matter, because they are never seen without their hats anyways. Their form of dressing up is to throw on polo, or button up shirt: Popped Collar a must. They carry around their Blackberrys to keep track of the plans their bros all have for the evening, and the 'bitties' they're trying to 'wheel'. They often refer to girls at 'broads' and 'bitties' to their fellow bros, yet to girls they're most likely use pet names to keep girls straight, most commonly used name: 'babe'.
Hangouts: Fox, Caesars, McMullens, Duke, Wilfs, Bomber, Philthies, Spur, House parties.. basically anywhere there are drunk girls, you'll find "Bros". They love anywhere that is licensed to serve alcohol.
Ease of Pickup: High-- as long as you have boobs, you're in.
Preferred Girl: Preppy/Woooo Girls (more commonly known as "Laurier girls")
Chance of Relationship: slim to none, they're all out to 'get ass' and 'wheel' and if you do get one to buckle down.. they'll cheat.
Hotness: 7.5-10/10
Tips: wear a low cut dress/shirt, and tell them you love to funnel.
The Jock.
Description: Similar to the Bro, yet the main difference is, these guys actually play sports. Not just Ultimate Frisbee or road hockey like a Bro. These guys use their 'team' status to get them in girls pants, even if they're only bench warmers. They wear varsity jackets a lot, some even have team rings. Can be spotted at the Laurier gym, or tossing around a football anywhere girls will see them. They are easily aggravated, especially with alcohol in their system. They have no problem starting fights, especially with members of opposing teams, they think girls find it sexy. It's not rare to see them with a new girl each week, or juggling more than one girl at once. They like to make girls think they don't sleep around.. but we all know they do.
NO ONE is that naive.
Hangouts: Campus bars, Philthies, Fox... really anywhere they play sports, and serve wings and beer.
Ease of Pickup: Extremely High, since you'll only be a one night thing anyways.
Preferred girl: Jersey Chasers
Chance of Relationship: Low, they all cheat, and can't commit for longer than 2 weeks.
Hotness: 7-10/10.. (Though sometimes 5/10 face and 10/10 body).
Tips: Tell them you love whatever sport they play, but you especially love to 'wrestle'.
Editors note: a dumb guys dreamThe Normal Guy.
Description: This is the guy that all girls want. But is nearly impossible to find and when you do, he's either in a serious, long term relationship, or is 'too focused' on his life to enter into a serious relationship at the moment. This guy is not cocky, yet modest, but is probably one of the easy to get along with guys you'll ever meet. He doesn't hit on girls in front of you at the bar, or leave you as soon as a cute girl walks past; he genuinely wants to get to know you better. Instead of asking you home at the end of the night, he asks if he can call you later that week to grab dinner or see a movie, actually take you on a REAL date, not just a booty call. He becomes your friend, yet a love interest. He attends class and cares about what his friends and family think, yet knows how to have a good time, but isn't a borderline alcoholic. He can stay in on a Friday night and be totally content just being with you, yet you can party together and he doesn't start fights or get jealous if you go out without him or wear a hot dress.
Hangouts: Huether, Wilfs, Fox, Duke, McMullens, Campus bars..
Ed. Note: they go to Phils too.Ease of Pickup: Medium to Impossible.. (if you can find one that doesn't have a girlfriend).
Preferred Girl: A Normal Girl.
Chance of Relationship: If you find one, let me know..
Hotness: 6-9.5/10
Ed. Note: Normal people are boring.The Band boy.
Description: This boy is often referred to as an "Indie" boy, because not all these boys are actually in bands, so their label can be controversial. But if in fact they are in a band, it gives them advantage over the rest, because girls love men who are musically inclined. These boys can be spotted in hip, chic stores like Urban Outfitters and American Apparel, they are a fan of the Deep-V tees, tight to just form fitting jeans, hoodies and cardigans. They are fashionable and enjoy a good Nike high-tops shoe, or Vans slip-ons. They prefer either the 'greasy' hair look, or the fashionable mullet/fohawk.
(Ed. Note: both mullets and fohawks are completely gay, and I disagree that they fit in this genre) Sometimes they like to wear beanies (wool hats). They have good taste in music and you can rely on them for solid underground beats you've most likely never heard of before, but you end up loving. They're usually fairly skinny and tall. Brown to very dark hair. Notable for their thick black framed glasses, and Ray Ban sunglasses in the summertime. They usually attend parties and bars for the music, and they are fairly shy when it comes to hitting on girls. There are many subgroups of the "band boy", most common one.. the "emo boy". or the "punk boy". But these boys don't usually hit the bar seen, they are more about local shows. The Emo boy is different with their tighter than life pants, and straightened black hair that covers 95.6% of their face.
Hangouts: Phils on Electronight, and Starlight
Ease of Pickup: Low to High
Preferred Girl: Fashionista/ Indie Girl
Chance of Relationship: Medium to High
Hotness: 5-10/10
Tips: Know your shit, aka your music. (and dress well)
Ed note: I will never date a girl that has zero taste in music. These girls have a valid point.The Gino.
Description: These boys can also be known as the boys around the bar and just wait til a girl is drunk enough and dancing with her friends, then they swoon in and start grinding the girl from behind. Basically, they are creeps. They are known to wear tinted sunglasses inside. Their hair is perfectly spiked with about half a bottle of gel, and a spritz of hairspray. If you had to compare them to cartoon characters, they would resemble ones seen on Dragonball Z (if you remember that show). If you see a couple who looks like they're having sex on the dance floor, it's probably the case that the Gino has found the drunkest girl in the bar so she cannot say 'no' to his borderline harassment dance moves. They are all about Jagger Bombs and getting 'fucked up'. (For reference please refer to the youtube video: My New Haircut)
Hangouts: Caesars, 140 West, Vault
Ease of Pickup: Easy .. but you don't really want to pick these guys up.
Preferred Girl: Girls in general (preferably incoherent).
Chance of relationship: Does it matter?
Hotness: 3-7/10
Tips: Make sure you watch yourself, and your drink around these guys.
Ed. Note: These fucking toolbags haven't realized that just like everything else they have laid their dirty fucking paws on, Ed Hardy isn't cool. The Dick.
Description: When you see him out and about you think.. "Fuck, not him again". He walks into the bar like everyone there is beneath him and he is God's gift to women. But what he doesn't seem to get is.. no one wants him around, and girls do not find his rudeness attractive, and when they act disgusted they're not just pretending, they genuinely do not like this guy. He isn't always bad looking, and he can have a charming smile, though as soon as he opens his opinionated mouth, you wish you'd never begun a conversation. He's loud and when he drinks he gets moody, and complains about everything and everyone. He can make you question your character and priorities in life, but then you knock sense into yourself and remind yourself.. you don't give a shit what he thinks because he's insecure and has no real friends, because he's a dick.
Hangouts: Wherever people he knows are.
Ease of Pickup: Hard, no girl is good enough for him. But then again, he's not good enough for any girl.
Preferred Girl: Opinionated Bitch (so they can argue and have angry sex all the time)
Chance of Relationship: Slim to None
Hotness: 7-10/10. (But 0/10 in the personality department).
Tips: If you can't handle criticism, don't talk to him. He will rip you apart.
- Stef and Alex
Heres proof they are actual girls...
Alex and Stef Happy as can be.
Thankfully somehow, according to the wonderful women who wrote this angry Rebuttal, I myself, (and Jay) can for the most part bounce around between categories a bit more than most...
id like to say you have good taste in music...you love the random hook ups but at the same time if you found that right girl i couldnt see you cheating...you're perfect to talk to ...id rather tell you things and get your point of view than some of my friends i have known for years...
(Ed. Note while that comment is like nails on a chalkboard for most guys. friendzone sucks 90% of the time, I've learned to run with it) you care about how you look but not because you want to show off but because it makes you happy..you pay attention to the things around you..you refer about sunsets and going snowboarding and you dont brag about how many girls you bring home every week...great friend...perve and all
Ha.
